DECEMBER 11, 1998 GAY PEOPLe's ChroniCLE 13
Holidays with family a little chilly? How to survive them
Family gatherings during the holiday season can be the best of times and the worst of times, especially for gays and lesbians, says the head of P-FLAG, Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays.
"It can be a real challenge for gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people to feel welcome by their families during the stressful holiday season," said P-FLAG president Paul Beeman. "Families spend more time together and have more opportunities for speaking honestly with their lesbian and gay loved
ones.
"Being open with your family about something our society deems unacceptable takes a heck of a lot of courage, love and trust," stressed Beeman, a retired minister and the father of a gay son and lesbian daughter.
That honesty by gays and lesbians can invoke many different reactions in familiesranging from acceptance to disbelief to rejection.
Many P-FLAG members-who make up 400-plus chapters nationwide-have their own holiday experiences to tell, he noted. And they share those stories with the increasing numbers of parents and youth alike who call P-FLAG helplines for support beginning now through early January, Beeman said.
But gays and lesbians can try to ease the stress of holiday interactions with these few simple tips, some of them excerpted from Mariana Caplan's 1997 book When Holi-
days are Hell! A Guide to Surviving Family Gatherings, (Hohm Press, Prescott, Ariz., 800381-2700).
For gay folks going home:
1. Don't assume you know how somebody will react to news of your sexual orientation. You may be surprised.
2. Realize that your family's reaction to you may not be because you are gay. The hectic holiday pace may cause family members to act differently than they would under less stressful conditions.
3. Remember that coming out is a continuous process. You may have to come out many times. 4. Don't wait for your family's attitude to change to have a special holiday.
5. Recognize that your parents need time to acknowledge and accept that they have a gay child. It took you time to come to terms with your sexual orientation, now it is your family's turn.
6. Let your family's judgments be theirs to work on, as long as they are kind to you.
7. Create your own holiday gathering with friends and loved ones, if it is too difficult to be with your family.
Tips for before the visit:
1. Make a decision about being out to each family member before you visit.
2. If you plan to make the visit together,
The season of gratitude
Continued from page 11
the detritus of Christmas past, present and future, there will be a lot to ponder.
First of all, being grateful for the luxury of having a day to set aside for it. For me, gratitude is the driving force behind the Sabbath. It gives an opportunity to see the blessings rather than the work, to stop and smell the brownies. And be glad there's a kitchen here to cook them in.
This is especially true during the holidays. I've had a couple of well-needed slaps in the face about how this time of year not only brings out the best and worst in families, it also highlights with Day-Glo colors the difference between poor and even moderate means. It brings into exquisite focus the inequities between a supportive family, and one that is a source of sorrow. It tells the tale of our white, Christian, European-based culture in all its self-important glory, in every magazine, billboard and television special (much as I love them).
me,
Because "that white dude" doesn't visit every family, as someone recently reminded and for many different reasons. Because not getting a child-support check can mean the end of innocence for a seven-year-old, and make those brown paper turkeys in class merely a reminder of what won't be sitting on their kitchen table.
Because a "Home for the Holidays" slogan doesn't mean a hill of beans if you've been
requested not to come home for the holidays, especially if you insist on bringing that lover of yours along. Because the endless barrage of toy ads must be a burning reminder to all the parents who have been denied access to their children by a court system that is only beginning to recognize the rights of gay and lesbian parents.
These are things I don't always remember, embarrassing as that is. The burden of the world's injustices seemed too heavy when I added children, and I let it slip. The kids seemed like a world of responsibility, all on their own. Though no one can do it all, and it makes a person crazy trying to think of everyone and every issue, still, a little context is a good thing.
Despite the irritations of a never-ending stream of colds, a family-of-origin issue, a midlife crisis (now there's a middle-class phenomenon for you) or the very real work that is involved in maintaining a relationship; that is nothing in the big picture.
Though I will knock wood, cross my fingers, and work hard, really hard, to keep that thing we call our life going strong, I've got to appreciate the basics: food, shelter, health, the blessing of family support and shared love. And pass a sense of gratitude, and understanding, on to the next generation.
Beren deMotier is a lesbian mom and freelance writer. She lives in Seattle, Washington with her wife and their two children.
discuss in advance with your partner how you
will talk about your relationship, or show affection with one another.
3. Don't wait until late into the holiday evening to raise the issue of sleeping arrangements. If you bring your partner home, make plans ahead of time.
4. Have alternate plans if the situation becomes too difficult at home.
5. Find out about local gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender resources.
6. If you do plan to come out to your family over the holidays, have support available, including a P-FLAG publication and the phone number of a local P-FLAG chapter.
Tips for during the visit:
1. Focus on common interests. 2. Reassure family members that you are still the same person they have always known. 3. Be sensitive to your partner's needs as well as your own.
4. Be wary of the possible desire to shock your family.
5. Remember to affirm yourself.
6. Realize that you don't need your family's approval to sustain an excellent relationship with your partner.
7. Connect with someone else who is gayby phone or in person-who understands what you are going through and will affirm you along the way.
For friends and family:
1. Set up support for yourself. It is important to realize you are not alone. Find the phone number of the nearest P-FLAG chapter.
2. Take your time. Acceptance may not come instantly, but be honest about your feelings.
3. Don't be nervous about using the "correct" language. Honesty and openness creates warmth, sincerity and a deeper bond in a relationship. If you are not sure what is appropriate, ask for help.
4. Realize that the situation may be as difficult and awkward for your gay loved one as it is for you.
Tips for before the visit:
1. Practice in advance if you are going to be discussing your family member's sexual orientation with family and friends. If you are comfortable talking about it, your family and friends will probably be more comfortable
too.
2. Anticipate potential problems, but do not assume the reactions will always be what you expected.
3. Consult with your gay loved one when coordinating sleeping arrangements if he or she is bringing home a partner.
Tips for during the visit:
1. Treat a gay person like you would treat anyone else in your family.
2. Take interest in your family member's life. He or she is still the same person.
3. Don't ask your gay family member to act a certain way. Let them be their natural selves. 4. Acknowledge your gay family member's partner as you would any other family member's partner.
5. Include your gay family member's partner in your family traditions.
6. Ask your gay family member about his or her partner if you know they have one.
7. Connect with someone (a friend or a spouse) with whom you can talk openly about your concerns or feelings.
For more information and assistance, contact your local P-FLAG chapter (see pages 20 and 21 for listings by city), or visit P-FLAG's national website (http://www.P-FLAG.org). The booklet, Our Sons and Daughters: Questions and Answers for Parents of Gay, Lesbian and Bisexual People, is also available by calling 202638-4200. ✓ --From P-FLAG press material
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